Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

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Do you want to know more? (of her story)

Yes
13
76%
No
4
24%
 
Total votes : 17

Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

Postby Reapergod36 » Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:31 am

As she laid on the sunny beach near the orkish jungles, she found great solace in her ultramarine comrades. Her eyes half open from the sunlight of dusk. She felt relaxed, not a care in the world. The imperium was at peace and no xeno would threaten it. Although comfortable, she soon found herself in bliss. As the space marines around her removed her boots, and began to remove the rest of her clothing. One of them slid one of its giant gauntlets to her delicate pink walls down beneath.

Suddenly the commissar shook free of her addled fantasy. She was on a chaos battle barge, seems she had been dreaming. Was it her mind sheltering her, or the emperor in this dark time? Her arms were still pinned, but this time to the metal walls of a prison chamber. Her arms had stopped bleeding and sealed up around the blades to cause the holes in her arms to be permanent. Upon a more thorough look as she regained her senses, she knew this was a torture chamber. If it wasn't then her situation had already grown even direr, as her guardsmen would have been all slaughtered. The chamber walls were hot metal with boiling blood upon them, well scabbed over.

The commissar that once put fear into her troops, soon found the same fear eating away at her on the inside. She slid her right arm off of the right jagged spike. Gripping at her heart desperately, just to stop the fear from spreading to the rest of her body; however the weight of her body on the left spike grew painful, so quickly found a metal pipe to position her feet upon. To slide her other arm off the spike. As she fell to the floor of meshed fresh blood with dried old. She soon found herself partially exposed, as her sleeves and pant-legs had been cut off from her usual commissarial uniform.

The chamber was about thirty-two feet by thirty-two feet (9.7536 meters for metric). As she walked to the chamber door, she soon neared it. But as she looked for some way to open it, the door opened. There was a bloodletter glaring at her. It gripped her by the chest of her clothing, lifting her about a foot off the floor. Its daemon blade was ready to stab her through the throat. But as it eyed her for weapons, it took a few sniffs at her. Smelling her fear it threw Celeste onto her back. She was no worthy foe; slaughtering such a mortal was not the way of Khorne. As Celeste had the wind knocked out of her from the landing, she heard a coercive, sarcastic and slightly joyful tone. “Such brutish demons Khorne sends to aid us in our conquests but, they at least to have an archaic sense of honor.” As Celeste lifted her head up slightly to see who was speaking, it was a chaos sorcerer. Celeste knew that her torture had only begun...
Death Is Inevitable.
Humanity Destroys Itself.
I Destroy All, But How Can I Do This.
Without Destroying Myself?
The Answer Is Simple.
I Do On The Inside...

Lady Foxy Wrote: Reaper of women's soles.
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Re: Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

Postby Reapergod36 » Mon Feb 11, 2013 4:44 am

Feel free to give feedback guys :D Constructive please.
Death Is Inevitable.
Humanity Destroys Itself.
I Destroy All, But How Can I Do This.
Without Destroying Myself?
The Answer Is Simple.
I Do On The Inside...

Lady Foxy Wrote: Reaper of women's soles.
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Re: Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

Postby BlueLight » Mon Feb 11, 2013 5:44 am

I suggest you post all your works in the same thread. I mean it's kinda silly just to keep making new threads. Just link to the post with the new content or put it in a spoiler on the orginal post, and write a new post saying their is a new part to the story. That's what i would do.


Reapergod36 Wrote:As she laid on the sunny beach near the orkish jungles, she found great solace in her ultramarine comrades. Her eyes half open from the sunlight of dusk. She felt relaxed, not a care in the world. The imperium was at peace and no xeno would threaten it. Although comfortable, she soon found herself in bliss. As the space marines around her removed her boots, and began to remove the rest of her clothing. One of them slid one of its giant gauntlets to her delicate pink walls down beneath.


Sorry, did i miss something from the last one? It just been so long since i read it.


Reapergod36 Wrote: The commissar that once put fear into her troops, soon found the same fear eating away at her on the inside. She slid her right arm off of the right jagged spike. Gripping at her heart desperately, just to stop the fear from spreading to the rest of her body; however the weight of her body on the left spike grew painful, so quickly found a metal pipe to position her feet upon. To slide her other arm off the spike. As she fell to the floor of meshed fresh blood with dried old. She soon found herself partially exposed, as her sleeves and pant-legs had been cut off from her usual commissarial uniform.


This seems a bit... covenant. Why do the chaos troops leave a pipe on the floor or in the floor of a torture room. Why isn't the spike designed to keep the chained prisoner secured. Maybe the lore would allow. This still seems doubt full, since prisoners would escape maybe every 25th if you ask me. People do try to escape, i mean it's a thing! Given that fact, it kinda makes sense in a normal/"non-40k world" that you'd fix that will flaw.

Reapergod36 Wrote: The chamber was about thirty-two feet by thirty-two feet (9.7536 meters for metric).
Wouldn't it have been easier to say, 32ft squared?

Reapergod36 Wrote: As she walked to the chamber door, she soon neared it.
What?.... I really don't know what to say about this.

Reapergod36 Wrote:It gripped her by the chest of her clothing, lifting her about a foot off the floor.
I would've explain or described how he got to a position to grip her clothing more. I mean i can imagine how he did it but it just seems odd how it's explained. also, limbs are normally easier to grip, hell the neck would be easier than the neck; i just find this odd. Maybe the uniform it makes sense for the chest area.


I found the writing a bit odd but i guess i have no real complaints with the story.
Last edited by BlueLight on Mon Feb 11, 2013 6:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

Postby Reapergod36 » Mon Feb 11, 2013 6:07 am

Blue are you very tired (this isn't insulting, blue often messages me when very tired and makes no derping sense.)
because your first complaint is about missing something in the first part
which that has nothing to do about the first part.
Its a dream sequence....
It blatantly tells you its a dream sequence.
The second complaint will be explained in the third installment
because saying it now would be a spoiler.
saying numbers in a written paper isn't grammatically correct.
Yes its easier.
Your second to last complaint, I think you're talking about the wording. Its just being a bit fancy, I tend to get into that medieval old english kinda thing.
The bloodletter grips her at the chest mainly for intimidation...
Not everyone thinks of ease of where to grab blue.
grabbing at the arm or leg wouldn't make sense.
I don't know the exacts of weight distribution, but wouldn't lifting her by the neck cause him to use more muscle?
Death Is Inevitable.
Humanity Destroys Itself.
I Destroy All, But How Can I Do This.
Without Destroying Myself?
The Answer Is Simple.
I Do On The Inside...

Lady Foxy Wrote: Reaper of women's soles.
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Reapergod36
 
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:25 am
Location: The Realm of Solemn And Solace

Re: Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

Postby Reapergod36 » Mon Feb 11, 2013 6:29 am

Confirmed, tired, with a head ache.
Death Is Inevitable.
Humanity Destroys Itself.
I Destroy All, But How Can I Do This.
Without Destroying Myself?
The Answer Is Simple.
I Do On The Inside...

Lady Foxy Wrote: Reaper of women's soles.
User avatar
Reapergod36
 
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:25 am
Location: The Realm of Solemn And Solace

Re: Warhammer 40k Subject: Celeste The Commissar P2

Postby Reapergod36 » Tue Feb 19, 2013 8:04 pm

The required results have been met. I will prepare the next part, thank you for your continuing interest.
Death Is Inevitable.
Humanity Destroys Itself.
I Destroy All, But How Can I Do This.
Without Destroying Myself?
The Answer Is Simple.
I Do On The Inside...

Lady Foxy Wrote: Reaper of women's soles.
User avatar
Reapergod36
 
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:25 am
Location: The Realm of Solemn And Solace


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